Here’s a list of names I always keep on my person, just in case Odd Future ever asks me to be a member and I have to come up with a pseudonym on the spot.
- Palm Tree Jenkins
- Musk Exodus
- Chester Cheatya
- Strawberry Bond
- Larry
- Gnome Chompsky
Josh Holloway, who played Sawyer on Lost, followed me for three whole days on Twitter. I don’t know if it was the real Josh Holloway or not, since the account isn’t verified. But assuming it’s legit, I’m left wondering why the hell The Poor Man’s Matthew McConaughey followed me in the first place. I’ll probably never know the answer to that question. But what I do know is that very soon after following, he deeply regretted his decision.
Or maybe it never really happened. The whole thing could have just been Hurley’s dream.
This year will mark my sixth consecutive trip to the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival. Each year, the event totally delivers and I expect this one to be no different. I kind of pee a little bit every time I gaze the 2012 lineup, which includes Aziz Ansari, The Beach Boys, Radiohead, Childish Gambino, Marc Maron, Major Lazer, Das Racist, The Black Lips…you know what, just go check out the lineup. I’m excited about pretty much everyone, minus Foster the People. (Sorry dudes but I’m just not picking up what you’re laying down.)
In the spirit of Bonnaroo, the inimitable Chris Gethard is taking a ten day road trip from LA to Tennessee, relying entirely on the kindness of strangers to get there in time to perform. If you live somewhere between California and Tennessee, please consider lending your support to Chris’ trip. It’s up to you to make sure that he doesn’t “get murdered by a drifter to death.”
Some friends and I were listening - okay, dancing - to Soulja Boy’s Crank That when the line, “Watch me crank that Robocop,” caught my attention.
“What do you think that means?” I said.
“I think it’s when you stick a gun up a girl’s butt,” said my friend Jenn, with a believable confidence that ended the discussion immediately.
Sure, it sounds like a terrible thing to do to a lady. But it also sounds believable and frankly, I’ve heard more degrading things in hip-hop. So, “stick a gun up a girl’s butt,” it was.
Later that week, we checked Urban Dictionary and found the following definition for Robocop: To ejaculate into a bucket and put it on someone’s head.
I like Jenn’s definition better.
I love this story.
I worked at the Gap store in Los Gatos, CA for about three weeks when I was 16, and one day the lead singer from Smashmouth came in.
I fucking hated that job. On the second day, they made me sort out the bras and panties in the back stock. it was on that day that i discovered the average bra and cup size is a 34B. also, on that day, i found out that when you’re being introduced to your fellow employees, sitting on a folding chair in the dimly lit stock room in the back of the store up to your elbows in bras and panties might not be the best first impression to make. People would come back to ‘meet the new guy,’ and I’d be sorting the panties left and right. I remember thinking “This is work, and I will be doing this for the rest of my life.”
Smashmouth were a big band at the time in San Jose, at least for those who were either too young or too old to get into better music. They were from there and had gone from being a hardcore punk band to an extremely safe ska-rock band after some major label money changed their hardcore ways. This is also San Jose, and there was very little excitement to go around unless a sports team did something or a lady placed an amputated finger in a bowl of chili.
The store was instantly abuzz with the news that a local celebrity had entered, and many of the other employees came to see him in person. they remained away from him, looking busy, but constantly looking over because THERE was the SINGER from SMASHMOUTH. I was working at the front, by the belts section. He came up to me and said “Do you have a large belt”. I sheepishly replied “Yes, yes, I do” and picked out a belt that I thought might be worthy of his size, stature, and local standing.
So, the lead singer from Smashmouth then put on the belt and walked out of the store without paying for it.
Here’s a clip of fellow Pittsburgh comedian and all-around rad dude, Davon Magwood, from a show that he put together earlier this year for his upcoming DVD. I had the privilege to open for him that night and then sit back, drink multiple beers and watch him do his thing.
I just got new neighbors. They never turn off their porch light, have already broken the screen door from the hinges and look like they’re really into Bon Jovi and stealing copper wire.
Nothing says, “I think you’re super gross,” like bringing your own pillow to someone’s house.
Writer, comedian and frequent tweeter at www.twitter.com/isaackozell Follow @IsaacKozell
“Don’t get my seat all wet.”
Me and Rihanna
I hit that get album artwork for all of my music and this happened.
