5?s with Isaac Kozell - Sofiya Alexandra

"My neck, my back, my pussy and my crack…" - Only a partial list of what Blue Shield doesn’t cover

And that’s how comedian and writer Sofiya Alexandra - who in 1994, moved to Los Angeles from Odessa, Ukraine - rolls. 2012 has already been a busy year for Sofiya, who is currently churning out high quality comedy at a breakneck pace. She was recently named one of Huffington Post’s Funniest Women on Twitter, assisted in the creation of a shockingly hilarious Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Parody, is working on an original TV pilot, regularly performs stand-up comedy, and writes and acts in sketch videos like So Natural. 

I was shocked to find out that she is doing all of this while holding down a super-secret full time day job (“I don’t talk about it much because I signed like a 28-page non-disclosure agreement”). She also makes time to fish off of the Santa Monica Pier with her grandfather (“He is 86 and a total badass who fought in World War II and then sailed the world for like 40 years on merchant ships…he has a younger girlfriend and is basically a baller). And if that’s not enough, she’s also an amazing girlfriend (“My boyfriend is a very talented screenwriter and the love of my life who has the work ethic of a robot, which is really inspirational and also the reason I’ve been slowly poisoning him”).

One of my personal favorite features of Sofiya’s comedy are her recurring tweets to children… 

 ”Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT.”

ATTN BABIES WITH BOWS: YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS GET SOME HAIR STUPIDS.

And if you don’t know, now you know. 5 ?s. Let’s kick it.

Isaac Kozell: Sofiya, what do you think Whoopi Goldberg dreams about?

Sofiya Alexandra: If there is a God, me. If there isn’t a God, also me. The point is, Isaac, this is about me WHY YOU GOTTA STEAL FOCUS WHOOPI?

IK: I know, right? She’s totally out of control in her quest for attention, as is evident by that Pre-School Art Teacher costume she’s always wearing. Speaking of costumes, Halloween is only half a year away. What are you going as?

SA: Only a real bag of dicks would ask a person something like this, Isaac. I hope you’re proud of yourself, you piece of human garbage. I am going as your mother, Mrs. Kozell.

IK: I’ve never met my mother. So when you get that costume together, maybe you could come visit me and like, take me school shopping or bake me some cookies or tell me that you love me and that you’ll always regret walking out on your baby boy…or something.

Moving on.

One look at your Twitter feed and it becomes obvious that you have a special way with children. So my third question is, If you could send one message to all the children of the world, in 140 characters or less, what would it be?

SA: Oh good, I’ve managed to say something mortifying in the first 2 questions of a light-hearted interview, a personal best. I’ve never met my father, if you’re in the market for a costume yourself.

To the children: I WOULD NEVER SO MUCH AS PEE IN FRONT OF YOU LOOK AT YOURSELVES IN THE MIRROR YOU CRETINS.

IK: If we dressed up as each other’s long lost parents, we would certainly create a tear in the fabric of the cosmos that would usher in some sort of apocalypse. So let’s agree now that we’ll both just get some dumb, slutty costumes for Halloween.

I just did a quick focus group and tested your ‘message to the children’ on some of the neighborhood kids. They’re all crying. Success!

You have a lot of irons in the fire right now. In addition to working a full time day job, you are also writing comedy, performing stand-up and acting in web shorts. So, I have to ask, where does the expression “a lot if irons in the fire” come from?

SA: You and I are doing just great, Isaac. It’s like, TWO parents?!  Who needs ‘em! WE ARE FINE. COMPLETELY FINE AND WE ARE NOT WAITING FOR BIRTHDAY PRESENTS OR ANYTHING WEIRD LIKE THAT BECAUSE WE ARE NORMAL ADULTS WHO DON’T EVEN WANT A PIGGY BACK RIDE FROM EVERY OLDER MAN WE SEE.

Irons sound like something dads would know about. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?

IK: I hate to get political but Rick Santorum wants to outlaw piggyback rides. There. I said it.

Sofiya, this is, sadly, our fifth and final question. I call this one, “Dream Boat.” If you could choose three people to join you on an exciting sailing adventure, who would you choose?

SA: Don’t say that about piggyback rides, Isaac! Every time you say that, one of them dies!!

Dream Boat…David Milch, because he’s a pistol (shut up, I’m an old person) and hilarious and brilliant, and I’ve been to some of his talks and he’s an amazing storyteller. Miranda July because she’s unique, sincere, funny and tragic in a heartbreaking way, and I’d love to make stuff with her on the boat. And pizza because I’m sorry, what kind of adventure is this even going to be if there’s no pizza?! You know what, let’s just forget David and Miranda, they’ll understand.

IK: Just a tip, bring some Dramamine. Pizza can be kind of a seasick pussy.

Sofiya, it has been a pleasure. 

SA: Thanks so much for taking an interest in my favorite subject, me. This has been fun and informative. Turns out I’m a real character!! I really can’t wait to see what I do next.

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Be sure to follow Sofiya on Twitter and Tumblr.