“Sex with me is like a carnival, mostly because it happens with poor under-educated white people in a parking lot.”
Thus sayeth John Tole, whose raw comedy is equal parts smart and squirm. Don’t believe me?
“My parents went to Mexico and all I got was this blood soaked T-shirt with a ransom note attached to an ear.”
John is building an impressive resume by constant touring, releasing his debut album Fat Heaven andwriting and contributing to “The Miserable Men” radio show on Sirius’ Howard 101. He has worked with comics like Greg Giraldo, Bill Burr, Jim Florentine, Jim Norton, Robert Kelly, and Joe Rogan. Before becoming a professional touring comic, John held jobs as both a baseball player and a heavy metal musician. He has fought obesity his entire life, topping out at 411 before successfully dropping 150 pounds.
In addition to obesity, he also likes to fight his audiences.
“I’ve always been a fan of politically incorrect, offensive, cringe comedy. I like audiences to feel challenged, or at least upset their comfort level. I like combat style bar comedy where you have to battle audiences, its more of a challenge.”
And now, 5 ?s…
Isaac Kozell: John, my first question is, If you could be the fifth member of the band KISS, what would your character be?
John Tole: I would like to start by thanking you for using the proper capitalized version of KISS.
I’m torn between a Wolverine or a Weasel.
The band’s past is so full of weasels that I think as The Weasel, I could deflect from Vinnie Vincent’s ongoing lawsuits, Mark St. John’s self-destructive hand issues and more importantly, I could be the only thing more embarrassing than Gene’s incessant marketing.
Now as the Wolverine, my makeup would be C. Thomas Howell drinking deer blood in Red Dawn, with a self-shaved receding hairline that would make Powers Booth come off as somehow more masculine.
I’m a dreamer man and my heart’s of gold, I had to run away high so I wouldn’t come home low and sure, I’m quoting a Motley Crüe ballad but Peter Criss never had a drum kit that did flips.
The 5th member of KISS should’ve been Tommy Lee or, me playing a smaller life-sized version of his dong.
IK: Good news! I talked to the band and they said they’ll take you as The Weasel. The bad news is that you don’t get an instrument. You’ll be a hype man/dancer. Think Flavor Flav meets that guy from The Mighty Mighty Bosstones that just skanks all over the stage - but in full Weasel makeup. I hope I wasn’t presumptuous in telling them that you accept.
On to the next question: Jason Elia, who claims to be a writer but is really a professional at stealing other comedians’ jokes on Twitter, describes himself as “The Jedi James Dean in Flip Flops.” If you had to come up with a new description for him, what would it be?
JT: As a Star Wars nerd, it bothers me that this scumbag would have the nerve to claim Jedi status, which goes right along with his claim to be a writer. He’s so “successful” he lives in Tennessee, which we all know is the Mos Eisley of the entertainment world.
I want to thank the web designer who created who.stolemytweet.com. It was that site that brought @notjasonelia to light. It’s not parallel thinking in his case, it’s word for word tweet theft.
When he first stole from me he had 21k followers so I did some research and found the Super Bowl tickets/cancer/fiancé dumped him story which was picked up by Gawker and Deadspin. Then it was found out he had lied about the whole event. Further research led me to a website he was listed on as a “writer” on The Whisky Brothers project out of Houston, which is run by comics I know and have worked with who verified that this dude was stealing material and he had used John Wesselling’s radio show in Houston to spread the Super Bowl tickets story which, in the end, led me to reaching out to comic Slade Hamm, who I had worked with, who flat out asked me, “Is that dude stealing your Twitter?”
So that’s what I’ve been able to confirm and (I) have the screen captures to show how the guy operates. He’s going to keep doing it. LA is full of writers who are so desperate they will scour open mics and try to “find” material.
The James Dean part makes a bit more sense because he’s dead and this hack must be absolutely dead inside to copy and paste people’s jokes and pass them off as his own. Check johntole.tumblr.com for the screen captures showing this worm in action.
The fine comics who created The Whisky Brothers dubbed him “Jason Eliar.”
IK: Ok. “Jason Eliar,” it is. Personally, I would have gone with “The Jerk-Off Jar Jar Binks in an Ed Hardy Trucker Cap.”
Speaking of Ed Hardy, what do you think is next for Jon Gosselin?
JT: That poor poor poor man. 8 kids, bitchy cunty ex-wife, he has zero marketable skills and a tiny sliver of reality notoriety and whats he doing with it??? He’s banging college whores!!! FUCK YES HE’S BANGING COLLEGE WHORES!!
I’m jealous. Sure, he’s got alimony up the ass and I’m guessing substance abuse issues but let’s be honest, who doesn’t? So I can’t tell you what’s next for that Saint but I’ll tell you, life changes and you gotta be ready to take advantage of whatever the universe throws ya and I’m gonna pay closer attention because I bet that guy has some real deal scum bag lessons to teach us scum bags who need lessons.
IK: What a fair, balanced response, John. But I can’t help but feel like something is amiss here. If he’s standing behind you with a weapon of some sort, just type “wink wink” in your next response.
Question four: If you only had one joke to tell, what would it be?
JT: That question is a mindfuck. Do I tell my fav joke? Do I tell one of the best jokes from my heroes? Clean? Dirty? Do I go Colin Quinn, Dipaolo, Burr, Rogan?
My favorite joke of mine is, “I’ve been working on this miscarriage joke for 4 months…” And I let the crowd absorb it and sit back and watch a simple statement change the mood of a room. Plus, as far as cringe goes, everyone loves a miscarriage joke.
IK: If it’s alright with you, I’m going to pre-purchase your grave stone with “Everyone loves a good miscarriage joke,” engraved on it.
Last question: Where do babies come from?
JT: Perfect. That sounds like a good headstone as long as you add at the bottom, “Babies come from everywhere except John Tole.”
Do still-born babies get “womb stones?” Great, now I’m going to spend all day googling “womb stones.” Tomorrow, I’ll look up the baby thing.
I probably won’t. I’ll be too busy on twitter @johntole. Come watch me live tweet my death!
John Tole is currently on tour. Check out his dates here: http://www.johntole.net/schedule.html