I’m entrusting you with a serious responsibility. It’s quite possible that in the very near future, I may come up missing. If this happens, please ask Tom O’Halloran if he knows anything of my whereabouts.
You’re probably wondering, “Isaac, why the heck would we ask Tom O’Halloran where you are? You aren’t bros.” And you would be right. Tom and I aren’t bros. But Tom and I do share a unique bond.
Tom just started following me on Twitter.
Specifically, he started following me because of this joke I told:
“I don’t want a car that parks itself. I want a car that locks its doors when a black person walks by.” - Mitt Romney
I would normally be flattered. But when I clicked to view his profile, I saw this bio:
Child of God - Married - Gun carrying NRA Conservative - Big Time Operator - Radical Right Wing Super Villain - - Twitter Rock Star
Despite the impressive nature of the totally believable “Twitter Rock Star” status, I thought, “This must be a joke account.” But after reading a few of his tweets, I realized that Tom was not joking. Here’s a smattering of Tom’s worldview:
Obama: As the first POST RACIAL president, I need all the black folks to vote for me, cuz the whitey is 2 smart 2B fooled twice.
Once, being gay in military was illegal.. Clinton made it a secret, obama made it LEGAL, if he gets reelected, he’ll make it MANDATORY.
Battered women? HMmm.. interesting thought… i LOVE battered fish….
I’ll allow you a moment to form your own opinion about Tom.
Done? Great. Let’s proceed.
I tried to give Tom the benefit of the doubt. So what if we have differing political views? So what if he’s an outward homophobe? So what if he makes super shitty jokes about abused women (something only a huge fucking asshole would do)? Does this mean that Tom is really such a bad guy?
Yes. He really is a such a bad guy.
I can only think of two reasons that Tom would follow me after reading my Mitt Romney joke:
1. He thinks this is an actual Mitt Romney quote. One that he REALLY connects with. One that he would love to see on a t-shirt or coffee mug or Confederate flag.
2. He is going to kill me.
I place my odds at 50/50.
Am I being paranoid about choice #2?
No. I am not. Allow me to quote Tom one last time:
My favorite pick-up line of all time: “Does this rag smell like Cloroform?”
So friends, if you notice a few consecutive days of no internet activity from yours truly, shoot a quick message to Tom on Twitter @TPO_Hisself. Something like, “What have you done you horrible, horrible monster?” would be appropriate.
I love you all so very much. If I survive this ordeal, I’ll buying everyone ice cream.